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Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Stupid Drivers

I get road rage fairly often in the car. And if other drivers weren't so freaking stupid, I wouldn't have to waste a lot of energy cussing, flipping the bird, and rolling down my window just so I can tell some jackass we are in a fucking school zone so you can stop honking at me. I don't just choose to drive 15 mph in a 40, okay? (True story.) So here is a list of things that annoy me about other drivers.
1. Lack of a blinker - Okay, it's one thing to not use a blinker when it's midnight and you're the only car for miles. But when someone is right behind you, and you decide it would be a good idea to slam on your brakes without a blinker just so you can make it into that McDonald's drive through..... Not cool. And don't even get me started on those who don't use blinkers AND have both their brake lights broken. I just want to slam my car into those people because they deserve it.
2. Premeditated blinker - The premeditated blinker is almost as obnoxious as the lack of a blinker. Plus it is equally as dangerous to the rest of us intelligent drivers out there. For some reason, premeditated blinker people feel the need to turn their blinker on a mile before their turn. If you are behind one of these people, you can never figure out what the hell they're doing. "Oh, they must be going to Kroger... wait, no, they passed it... looks like they're going to Starbucks.. oh, wait... no, I think they're going to that Chinese restaurant." That should never happen! If you are passing three different turn-ins with your blinker on before you come to the place you actually want to turn, your blinker is premeditated and you deserve to be ~~executed~~ shunned from society.
3. Slow drivers in the passing lane - You know who you are. That's all I have to say on that.
4. Ass riders - Hi, yes, I get it. You want me to drive faster, and you seem to think that driving 1/2" away from my bumper will increase my speed. Little piece of information: This isn't bumper cars, idiot. Get the fuck away from my car. It would be one thing if we were on a one lane road, and I was going five under the speed limit. But this typically happens to me when I am in the passing line on the interstate with a car in front of me. And how exactly do you not realize that the closer you get to my car, the slower I drive? And when you keep it up -- I will continue to drive right next to another car so you can't pass me. Hope you weren't trying to get anywhere...
5. The "Iwishyouwould"ers - I call these people "Iwishyouwould"ers because it's what I always say when I see one. Every time I see a car that looks like they're about to pull out right in front of me, I say "Oh, I wish you would. Please pull out on top of me so I can put all my displaced anger into cussing your ass out." You know those people who obviously do not have enough room to pull out in front of you, but for some reason they do it anyways. And not only do they pull out right on top of you, but they always seem to drive as slow as they possibly can afterwards.
Bonus Points: The driver gets bonus points added on to their stupidity when they pull an "Iwishyouwould" right in front of you when the lane next to you is completely empty. This earns them a dirty glare as you drive past them. They also get bonus points when they do it if there are no cars behind you for miles.
6. The Invitation Drivers - These people are the opposite of the "Iwishyouwould"ers. Everyone has encountered them. When you come in contact with an Invitation driver, you have probably said something along the lines of, "What? Are you waiting for an invitation?!" And by "said," I mean screamed. These drivers are too cautious. We have places to be, and we don't have time for them to wait for the streets to completely clear out before they go.
7. Old People - This refers to all old people in general. 90% of the time that I get mad at a driver, I find out they're old. If you have to peer over your steering wheel or lean forward to make sure you can read the street signs correctly, you are too old to drive.
If you are guilty of one of these, don't be surprised if you see me mean mugging you as I drive past. I just want to know what the face of stupidity looks like.
To be continued...

Thursday, 24 September 2009

Yesterday, there was a wasp the size of a fucking pterodactyl (thank God for spellcheck) in my office. It was there from 1 - 5 which is the part of the day when I pretend to work but actually sleep with my eyes open. Obviously, I couldn't sleep with a monstrous beast trying to steal my soul flying around over my head. The first hour I got back from lunch was spent sharply jerking my head into "duck-and-cover" position every time I heard it buzz. I pretty much looked like I had Tourrettes syndrome (yes, Google, I did mean Tourettes with just one R. Thanks for making a fool of me again, asshole.)
Like I said, I spent the better part of an hour hiding from this demon wasp creature. After all that trouble, I finally learn that this so-called "demon wasp" is really just a dumbass motherfucker. This stupid little shit got stuck behind the GD blinds. It probably would have been more funny if he hadn't kept buzzing his stupid wings and annoying the shit out of me while I was TRYING to fuck off at work. I must have complete silence at work in order to play on the internet, take naps, and pretend I am actually doing something productive.
Sidebar: Fucking off at work is NOT as easy as people seem to think it is. In order to take naps, I have had to come up with all sorts of schemes to not get caught. For example, if you are good at napping with your eyes slightly open (as I am), open a company document in word or excel. A document that is quite a few pages. Place your head on your left arm, and the mouse in your right hand. Scroll down the document very, very, very slowly and just stare. Then let yourself doze off with your eyes slightly open. Now people will think you are reading important company information and not bother you with bullshit like asking you to do your job. You're welcome!
Back to the killer (stupid motherfucker) wasp. So I leave work at 4:30 as usual and bid my farewell to Waspy. (I'm really original with the names, I know.) I walk straight to my car and drive straight home. Right as I am pulling into my driveway, I hear it. Bzz. Bzz. I could recognize those mentally retarded Bzzs anywhere. I look over my shoulder and sure enough........ WASPY IS IN MY CAR.
Somehow that dumbass wasp was smart enough to jump in my purse or ride on my shoulder all the way out to my car. And then he was quiet for the 30-minute ride home, right up until he decided he was going to attack me, I guess, for not helping him out of the blinds. (Hello? Why would I help a wasp escape that? You can't trust wasps. They're like people with weak handshakes, duh.)
Lucky for me, I jumped out of the car as it was still moving so Waspy didn't have a chance for his stupid little stinger to come in contact with my innocent, never-did-anything-bad-to-no-wasp skin. I immediately ran inside to tell Andy that we needed to go to the car dealership, like, NOW. Because I needed a new car. Because Waspy had officially taken over my car, and I am not one to fight with a magical wasp that can teleport itself from an office building to a car. And Andy was all Um, who the fuck is Waspy? And I'm all, you don't really love me or you would just know! Because I'm hysterical and all.
So ~~I tell him he's an asswipe~~ we decide together that the mature way to do it is to tell Waspy that I am really going to need that car because my work is in a specific place, and you, Waspy... your work is EVERYWHERE. Plus you have wings. So I'm going to need my car back. Please.
He flew away, off to do his job I suppose. I bid him farewell and reclaimed my car. Fast forward to this morning when I get to work and who the fuck do you think I see in the office? That's right. That little motherfucker still stuck behind the blinds. Now I'm thinking maybe that wasn't Waspy in my car yesterday. Or he really CAN teleport himself. But then, he probably wouldn't be stuck behind blinds if he could do that, right? Oh, fuck it. I hate wasps.